Two adults walk into a life together.
All the adrenaline, the hormones of dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. All the good feels. The gushing, the being seen, adored, respected and excited about the possibilities and the being fucked wide open.
The two adults who are playing in this pool of deliciousness sign the mortgage, make the babies, build the business, book the holidays, choose the schools, host the dinner parties, holding it all together with what looks like from the outside at least, remarkable competence.
These adults in relationships are grown, capable and functioning members of society who can file taxes and parallel park and give a toast at a wedding without crying. ( well some of us….)
And then someone forgets to text back.
Or uses the wrong tone.
Or does the thing they were asked not to do……again.
And just like that…. the adults have left the building.
What walks onto the field in their place is not the person who signed the mortgage.
It is the (inner) child who was never enough for their father, who learned that love disappears and is conditional with no recourse.
The one who decided at seven, or nine, or fourteen, that the only way to stay safe was to control everything.
Or feel nothing.
Or burn it all down before someone else got the chance to.
That child has been sitting in the passenger seat of your inner world during the entire courtship and building phase.
Quiet ( well kind of ) and a little bit patient, waiting to come out and play the moment that button gets pushed. That little one that is laying so deep and has nothing to do with the dishes or the tone or the unanswered text. But they go ahead and grab the wheel.
And the adult?…..suddenly nowhere to be found.
Most people don’t realize that when you are standing at the altar, or signing the lease, or watching two pink lines appear on a pregnancy test that you are not just entering a relationship with another adult. You are entering a relationship with every version of them that ever existed.
The child who was told they were too much.
The teenager who was humiliated into silence.
The young adult who loved someone who left without explanation.
The person who decided that needing people was the most dangerous thing they could do.
All of them are in your house, in your bed and at your dinner table. Oh..and yours also.. Your entire archive.
Every wound that never fully closed and shaped how you understand what being loved means, what belonging means and what safety means. All of the parts that you collected to shape what you believe your worth is.
Two people with about eight childhoods between them.
Trying to build and create one life
Each time I speak with clients as they navigate rupture, hurt, and even repair, it is always either the animal ( emotional ) or ego ( perspective ) or both. And these coem from their childhood.
It is either the ego or the animal that run the show when we are triggered, not adult responses.
In fact all triggers were never adult responses.
The ego is the child who needed to be right to feel safe.
The animal is the child who needed to feel safe to survive.
When buttons gets pushed in your relationship AND IT WILL because that is what intimate relationships are designed to so, these parts find every unhealed place and press in deep. It is actually not your partner you are reacting to as it is the original moment where it began.
And now those two children are on the relationship field running plays from a rulebook that was scribbled decades ago, in a completely different life, by people who were just trying to make it through as the raised you.
The issue with this is that for the adults who have been building the relationship are building without a structure that allows every part of both people to be heard wihtout dump and blame and taking things personally.
This my loves is the heart of UPLVL Communication™. The creation of the structures, containers and the agreements that finally give every part of both people a place to be seen and soothed.
The animal, the ego, the seven year old, the teenager, the one who is furious, the one who is terrified, the one who has been swallowing their truth for so long they have forgotten what it tastes like.
Do you what is so beautiful? after years of sitting with couples at every stage and even at the of what feels like no return, is that the adults involved can rebuild almost anything.
But only once the children have been heard.
Because after that …we go and self process, look into the 3 way mirror, and give gratitude for the lessons that we chose to walk through in this life.
Y(OU are in every relationship, every argument, every moment of anger and let down….YOU. This is about your growth.
Love is the incredible ever growing benefit.
This is the work my loves And it is the most important work you will ever do. I can say that confidently. And not just for the relationship you are in, but for every single version of yourself that has been waiting inside… not so quietly most of the time.
To see how this can support your relationship book a discovery call with me here
Always with Pleasure
M
❤️