I opened my sub-stack and saw this quote by Lex.Amara. and thought “you know this quote says everything without saying anything”
Twenty years.
And you never let them touch you like that.
Every single week i have this type of conversation in one form or other with both men and women from all over the world. And what is quite troubling is how long it has truly taken for most of them to admit it all out loud. The realization that living inside of relationships where authenticity and the freedom to speak the depth of ones desire, is not the norm.
Many of us can say that some of the most alive, most seen, most electrically present you have ever felt in your body, probably happened with someone whose last name you never knew. Years ago. or on that trip elsewhere, that you still feel guilty about.
And the person sleeping next to you every night? You have not reached for or asked to be reached that way for years. You lie next them in a form of management..of your words, your deep desires.
And this is not because you do not love them.
it is because you do, and with that comes modulation, in order to keep the status quo
This is the paradox nobody puts in the wedding vows.
The longer you love someone, the more history you accumulate. The more history you accumulate, the more you know exactly which version of yourself is safe to bring to the table. You know what lands well. You know what starts a fight. You know the look that means you have gone too far, the silence that means you have done something wrong, the particular quality of their stillness that tells you to tread carefully tonight.
So you modulate.
Constantly.
Quietly.
and automatically.
You soften the edges, swallow the weird thought, you keep your fantasy quiet, and find yourself performing the version that keeps the peace, maintains the warmth, and avoids the rupture.
This is the version of love we have been given.
But it is also a cage you built together, one small compromise at a time.
Now…….. lets think of the one night…
There is no history, no accumulated scorecards of missed moments, no careful navigation over eggshells of everything that happened that week
Just two people unedited.
This is the place you say the thing you would normally think twice about. You ask for exactly what you want. You show up in your body in ways you have not allowed yourself to do so in years, because there is no file of evidence to be used against you. No pattern to confirm or expectation, and no relationship dynamic to protect.
Just all of you. In this moment.
and it is here where you realize that you have been holding your breath…for years.
This is the deeper parts of you. This is who you are and can be when you stop managing yourself.
Your desire is always there. you as a human have so much aliveness available to you. The full, unmodulated, unapologetic version of you still lies within your heart, flesh and mind. This part of you is waiting. Quietly. And way too many people just leave the person they are with, thinking they will reignite it with someone else, and that with someone else it will stay lit…
But if you don’t have the courage or have not created the space within this relationship. You probably wont in the next. Because your long term relationship did not kill all of it, it was the lack of structure for authenticity inside of it that did.
This is what I see everywhere in the work I do with couples and individuals.
People who have fallen out of permission inside of their own relationships that are full of business, kids, mortgages and thanksgiving dinners, but themselves. Permission to be their full, strange, hungry, complicated, desire filled luminous selves, inside the relationship that matters most.
Because for some reason safety got confused with smallness. And smallness became the water you both swim in, slowly forgetting what it felt like to truly make love, to truly desire and truly show your anger, grief and annoyance in a safe space.
Lover…your relationship is not meant to be the place where you get smaller the longer you love someone. It is the place where your freedom is meant to flourish. And that freedom is not really going to be found in someone new, because you take you with you.
This kind of freedom is found in building the kind of relationship with agreements, containers, and structures for authenticity where all of you is not just tolerated, and the other is not taking it personally.
Where the weird, the raw, the hungry, the tender, the furious, the full gets to show up, be witnessed, and be met and soothed. That my love is erotic intimacy that comes from emotional fluency.
The freer you are in your safety to share what is truly on your mind and what you truly want, the more sex you will be having.
it is kind of just pure mathematics.
If you are ready to stop managing yourself inside your most important relationships then i would love to get on a call with you and share how I create this for my clients with UPLVL, Accelerated evolution tools and so much more.
Always with Pleasure
M
❤️